GolfPricks ravage Central Florida;
Orlando courses will never be the same

Sunny Orlando will need some time to recover as eight GolfPricks stormed into the area last week for five days of fun, frivolity and foolishness, flailing futility, fussing and cussing, frustration and flatulation, blowing enough hot air to preempt Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, and MSNBC combined for at least a week and passing enough gas to power Air Force One around New York City for three days in their annual spring-fling Florida golf excursion.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist has formally declared Central Florida a disaster area and has appealed to the Obama administration to increase the state's dollar amount in the economic stimulus package in order to cover the damage done.

Leaving the Victoria Hills, Forest Lakes, and Windermere Country Club courses in their wake, Big Boy, Budreaux, the Colonel, Digger, Eazy, KA, Little Boy, and Ralph Squirrels alternately cursed and prayed to the golf gods collectively, bringing extreme heat, drought, and pestilence down on the area, wreaking such havoc it is being compared to a plague of locusts.

Big Boy, Digger star as scores soar

As usual, Big Boy stormed out of the gate on day one at Vickie Hills, raping and pillaging the rest of the field with a sterling 74, taking all of his partners in the two-man wheel to the pay window.  Not much can be said for the rest of the group, however, who generally struggled with the abundance of sand and the aerated greens over the par-72 layout.

Day two at Forest Lakes was rather uneventful with no true standout rounds on greens gooey and gummed up with fertilizer.  Days three and four were much the same with no truly outstanding scoring on the good side.  The course at the Windermere Country Club was in exceptional condition, however, and resulted in two glorious days of fun golf.

Low scoring honors for the week, however, went to Digger, who blistered the Forest Lakes course on the final day with a 1-over-par 73 which included a bogey on the final hole.  He was unable, though, to continue his uncanny streak of holing out from the fairway for eagles, going 135 holes without performing what has now become a customary feat.

Squirrels goes nuts; almost loses his to gator

Although official results were requested not to be revealed, Ralph Squirrels probably wound up as the 'Biggest Loser,' for the week, financially, that is.  While enjoying the trip immensely, as usual, partially due to his relationship with caddy, Jack Daniels, Squirrels came home with a number of awards not indicative of his 3-to-6 (depending on which Ralph shows up) handicap.  While registering a "full-house" of scores for the week on the five hands played (2-10s & 3-7s), he also came away with what is believed to be a GolfPrick "Florida-trash" record by carding a double-duck (2 in the water), a double crab (2 in the trap) and a double snake (a 4-putt) on the same hole.  Officials are scurrying to verify the validity of the feat.  He also probably set the record for the cumulative total of trash for the week and total trash dollars lost.

Squirrels, who was playing on a federal grant from the latest Obama administration economic de-stimulus package called the GolfPrick Bailout And Recovery Redistribution Fund or BARRF, also won the late-great Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter Award, when, while searching for his lost ball and taking a whiz in the woods, had a very close encounter with what turned out to be a six-and-a-half foot Florida gator casually motoring his way from one fairway to an adjoining lake.  Needless to say, Squirrels' outdoor bathroom break almost turned from a #1 to a #2.

Squirrels' partners in the 2-man wheel game also suffered serious consequences, to the point where one of his partners actually regurgitated on the course during one of the rounds.  It was that sickening.

GolfPricks.com also presented some other awards to players in the group on the trip.  As editor of GolfPricks.com, Squirrels declared himself ineligible for these awards or he could very well have swept the field for the rest of the trophies.

The Loudest Profanity Award went to Budreaux, aka CRCS, aka Moses, whose MF scream after missing a putt turned heads on at least three tee boxes.  The Most Lost Balls Award went to Little Boy, only because he was the only GolfPrick in the group whose game requires playing while wearing a heart monitor. And, last but not least, The Coldest Putter Award went to the Colonel, who probably had the best ball-striking week of his life but couldn't putt it into the ocean, except, of course, when cutting Squirrels out of one of his only scat opportunities of the week.  It should be mentioned here that Big Boy ran a close second to the Colonel for his multiple performances in the daily extra 9-hole 3-3-3 competitions, missing a number of 3-to-5-foot putts which would also have taken the deservedly hapless Squirrels to the winners circle.

While no actual award was actually given for the following despicable acts, they certainly deserve a dishonorable mention here.  KA, whose plaid checked shorts/shiny metallic green patterned golf shirt outfit was so disparaged one day that he was forced to change clothes giving him the Most Mismatched Fashion Award, also won the Most Broken Clubs Award after snapping two wedges over his knee and depositing one of them in the lake on Windermere's 18th hole.  While there were a number of club tosses during the week, Ralph Squirrels once again was more than likely the winner of the Most Clubs Thrown on a Single Hole Award with three.  And, while Eazy showed great restraint for the most part, he was still unable to totally hide his disdain for the state of his game and therefore came home with the tongue-in-cheek Most Positive GolfPrick Award.

Trip expands Jack Daniels Webster Dictionary

A number of additions to the GolfPricks Jack Daniels Webster Dictionary cropped up during conversations both on and off the courses.  Here are the few that can be remembered.

Orthodontics - The support thingies that go in Little Boy's shoes - Little Boy

Combo putt - A putt reminiscent of a Jacky Wayne explosion putt and Budreaux CRCS directional putt combined - The Colonel

"If it's not short, it's there." - Eazy describing a Big Boy shot.

"Blue is black" - Big Boy attempting to describe a pin position by color meaning "blue is back."

'My putter won't always do what my brain is thinking' - Little Boy

Maxtimum - sort of kind of a lot, more than the maximum - The Colonel

Snachos - the nightly Hampton Inn freebie food offering formerly known as nachos - Little Boy

Groinocologist - a physician closely akin to a gynecologist (Big Boy's fictional identity). - The Colonel

"You couldn't cut one with a whole set of Ginsu knives." - a description of KA's attempt to hit a fade. - The Colonel (Somewhat akin to "You couldn't draw one with a box of Crayolas and a degree from the Nozzi School of Art.")

A safe and successful fun trip

Despite what this account may reflect, the trip was safe and successful and a good time was had by all.  Under extreme duress and dire golf circumstances, the GolfPricks, however uncharacteristic as it may seem, once again displayed extraordinary camaraderie and a sincere sense of friendship and man-love for one another.  There's no way people who aren't genuinely great friends could survive seven days of the kinds of badgering, blackguarding, bludgeoning, browbeating, and overall totally insulting diatribes they inflict on one another without someone coming away seriously injured.  Delightful chaps they are and that's why they're all ... GolfPricks.  Those who miss out on this junket are surely missing something special.